We're all a little on edge these days as we prepare to move, and I find myself using the classic parenting phrase "watch your tone of voice" more and more often.
In the moment, what I mean by that is, "I feel disrespected, and I don't like that feeling, so you'd better change how you're speaking to me."
But I think what I really mean is, "The way you spoke those words pressed on an old wound, causing a familiar pain to flare up. Not just your words--but the pitch of your voice, the sharpness of your syllables. They drill right down to the places I try not to go. I'm too busy to go there, or more likely, I'm afraid to go there because the pain reminds me how little I am in control."
What if, instead, I said, "Let's listen to your tone of voice together." When you strike that tone, where does it reverberate in your body, in my body? What do we hold in those places?"
Maybe you're speaking in this particular pitch and frequency because it's resonating with your own pain, giving voice to something you don't yet have words for. Maybe something I've said or done has pressed on wounds fresher and newer, and because you are young and haven't had the time or experience of stifling them, and because the pain is nearer the surface, the natural thing to do is cry out.
Let's, the two of us, watch our tone of voice like curious observers--what can we learn from it, how can we hold what we learn with kindness, and how can we do that for each other? Maybe then, we can tend to the wounds and soften our tone together.
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